The Numbers Are Haunting Me

The scale…my worst enemy…it is my kryptonite. I have been on an anti-scale campaign for several months now. I have been very passionate about my stance on the subject and my refusal to weigh myself. You see I have a very touchy relationship with the scale. Under normal circumstances the scale isa very helpful tool to measure your weight loss progress. Yet, as history would prove, I am far from normal.

I have never really been a weighing person. I cannot tell you what I weighed in high school or college. I really don’t have a recollection of my exact weight until my pregnancy with 10-year-old. I can tell you all day long what size I wore or which body shape I liked he best but I have no clue how much I weighed. That was not intentional at all. It just so happened we did not own a scale and I was not a frequent visitor at the doctors office, or so I remember, and when I did I never was concerned with the numbers.

Once I had my children that completely changed. The scale became a reminder of what all I had failed at. How far I had strayed from the women I physically was in my early twenties. The scale was the taunting laugh track of my life. Even though I loathed it so much I made a decision to start keeping track of my weight when I started working towards getting the weight off. Before I had my daughter I lost almost 100 pounds by taking a prescribed diet pill that helped suppress my appetite. I also began walking and doing water aerobics and eventually circuit training at the local YMCA. Doing this time the scale was my best friend. The weight was flying off and I was so excited to weigh myself. Even during my pregnancy the scale was nice to me. I only gained 20 pounds with her pregnancy, which was a far cry from the 100 pounds I gained with her brother.

When I found myself attempting to lose weight again I had no reservations about using the scale to track my progress. This time I opted to use no prescription drugs and I did not have the same access to the YMCA. This time I was going to a personal trainer who had me doing aggressive resistance and functional fitness training. If you are not familiar with those terms, in short it means I was using my body weight plus added heavy weights and replicated normal daily motion like pulling, sitting, and twisting to help build strength and endurance. After a few months I added a second workout with Sifu T which was more cardio strength training. I was Going to may main gym 5 days a week and Sifu T three days a week. I was also eating a very clean diet. I was losing weight and seeing results and was very please. Then IT happened. The scale stopped! I was burning 1400 calories a day and the scale would not move. Months went by and I had only lost 5 pounds and I began to get so frustrated. I was not taking pictures to track my progress nor was I taking measurements. I had a weight goal…90 pounds in 100 days. All I could think was I was killing myself, stalled at 65pounds lost, and not going to make that goal. I felt like a failure and it killed my motivation. I figured what was the point…I am sore, exhausted, and the constant training was putting a strain on my relationship with my husband. So I gave up. I just stopped. What I didn’t realize is that I was making great progress building strength and muscle and that was the reason the scale was not moving. Had I stepped away from the scale for a few months and focused on the process and not the destination I would have possibly been able to break through that plateau.

Fast forward to today. I have not weighed myself since November of 2015 and actually insisted that I not. I have been relying on my pictures and measurements to track my progress. Then IT happened again…the dreaded “talk” with my team. “Jai…you really need to weigh…” Weighing myself is against my better judgement, however I know that I need to have a complete documentation of my progress. Sometimes the tape measure will deceive me just as much as the scale. So…I am agreeing to buy a scale and start weighing myself under certain conditions. I will not look at the numbers, because I do not want to care even though I do. Only my trainers will have the privilege of knowing them for the time being. I will not weigh more frequently than once a month. Anything above that is just not necessary. The only indication I want of the scale is reading is the increase in intensity of my workouts. I am stepping outside of my comfort zone here and putting trust in others which is not an easy thing for me. I am searching for the larger lesson in this because I know it is out there.